Sunday, August 25, 2013

Dating Down the Rabbit Hole

I want to first start by saying that there are still some amazing people out there and maintaining a positive, optimistic attitude is more powerful than the alternative.  We live in an age where it is easy to meet new people every second of each day.  It is easy to get connected for free on a lot of platforms without having to spend a dime.  Social media has made it convenient to stay connected with people from around the world, not just those in your area.  This is fantastic to a fault.   I have noticed that this fault is more than simply overlooking the fact that your partner snores when they sleep.  These faults are starting to add up to something more serious that is chipping away at the sanity and emotions of some.

I remember when I was growing up having to race to the phone when it rang in hopes it was that cute person you’ve had your eye on all month or school year.  Especially if you had siblings, you knew of the dreaded panic hearing someone else pick up another phone in the house.  There was no real privacy and even when your parents installed that awesome second line, you still had to share it with everyone else in the house.  Also, there was the great feeling of slamming the phone down on someone who broke your heart.  You knew that was justified as a slap in the face to the offender.  Were these truly better times?  I can see their benefit.  Today, we rely so heavily on text messages, emails and broken phone conversations, that is if you can even get someone on the phone.  There are benefits to this but let’s be honest; is this shortcut way of life really the best way to build and maintain a relationship?

There are many different kinds of people you can meet but there are some personalities that you seem to meet more often than you should and you should avoid:  They are the secretly married, bitterly bitter, overly independent, or leech.  Yes, some of these personalities overlap but for the most part, they are of their own right scary, somewhat dangerous, and can be sniffed out with some good sense and patience.

Secretly Married:  Ah, yes, the, “my partner doesn’t understand me” or “they won’t have enough sex with me” type.  They usually disguise their true intention unless they are in an open marriage.  They also tend to have a type and you are never the only one they are talking to or dealing with.  They start off with a casual approach, but it becomes obvious what is really going on.  With so many free dating platforms and applications, it makes it easy for them to seek out others.  If they are willing to let you go, thank them and move on.  This only ends one way and it is with you utterly heartbroken, gaining 20lbs and being a world champion in eating junk food.  Yeah, brownies are amazing but eating 1 to 5 pans of it isn’t healthy.

Bitterly Bitter:  This type tends to spew some seriously verbal abuse when you tell them you are not interested or are ending your time with them.  They are quick to say how worthless you are or how you will never be anything without them.  I hear situations like this all the time from friends, family and colleagues and have experienced them myself.  We all have been burned in one way or another when it comes to relationships but healing and moving on from the past needs to happen before we move on to a new situation.  Sometimes there are those who seek out new people who resemble a part of their past so they can stay in that part of their life.  It is best to recognize this early on so their toxicity doesn’t become part of who you are.  Misery does indeed love company.  This is usually disguised by those who are obsessed over their ex.  If he or she is not interested in getting to know who you are, they then make assumptions about who you are, and spends more time mentioning the past, notice the red flag and head for the hills.

Overly Independent:  There is absolutely nothing wrong in being independent.  Working hard and getting an education are vital in life but we have to remember to keep in balance that you do in fact need other people.  Even the busiest person needs human affection.  Sometimes we need a hug, handshake or a high five; sometimes we need more than that.  Love is so important in our species and you are not meant to be “forever alone.”  Those who claim they don’t need anyone else are the ones hurting the most.  This type, if you have the patience, will open up once they feel comfortable.  That time may also not come either.   If they are pushing you away or pushing you too hard to configure yourself into something you aren’t, it is best to let them go.  You have enough going on in your life to play therapist in their lives.

Leech:   Aren’t familiar with what a leech does?  Google that sometime.  They are little bloodsuckers that never let go.  Yes, they once had medicinal purposes but if you happen to be walking through a jungle, you aren’t going to consider them to be a good thing.  They hold on and never let go.  You either have to pull very hard or use a lighter to burn them off.  Same rules apply to these kind of people.  They are the ones who send novels for text messages, endless voice-mails wondering where you are or show up at your place of employment unexpectedly.  They show their true colors from the start.  They will latch on from the start and never want to let go.  It usually takes a lot of energy, force and threats of a restraining order to get them out of your life.  There is a healthy amount of inter-dependence in a relationship then there is somewhat stalker behavior if not a true stalker.   Keep an eye out!

It is rough out there in our modern dating world but it is not impossible to find someone.  It is important to remember who you are, what your goals are and if this person you are meeting is truly in line with them.  Do they value true conversation or are they asking for dirty pictures from the start? Do they solely rely on text and email? I always say you can determine their true intentions within 2 weeks.  Watch for signs so you won’t spend years with someone who never intended on getting serious with you from the start.  Do not be afraid to communicate your desires.  If something is important to you, you will find that person who respects that and wants something similar.  I don’t believe in settling for anything but you have to remain optimistic.  Your partner won’t be able to be everything and leap over tall buildings or volunteer saving cute animals on the side.  We are only human after all.

You are amazing just the way you are, never forget that!  I wish you all the success in the world out there!

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