Did Louie Really Hit IT on the Head?

If you haven't heard, seen or watched the clip of Louis CK's show, "Louie," where the fat woman  voices her struggles with dating in great detail, you are missing an important conversation that is almost muted in our society.  The female character goes on about how her struggles encompass men almost living in fear of walking hand in hand with her, let alone dating her, because they are worried to be seen with her.  Louie's character gives off the usual physical and verbal reactions; looking around nervously, and spitting out the knee jerk reaction of, "No, you aren't fat" as a way to make the woman feel better about herself and almost convince himself that it is indeed okay and acceptable TO date her.  I don't necessarily agree with all of what the female character is saying, but I think it's important to start there.

Those Two Magic Corners

With Winter finally coming to a dramatic close this past week, we are left with the memory of bitter temperatures, snow days, and potholes.  It can be a very frustrating season for some people for various reasons.  Not much sunlight, shorter days, very cold days, getting snowed in, running out of bread, milk, and eggs can contribute to forms of depression.  What about those who find this season emotionally draining?  For some, it’s hard to find happiness getting through the holidays, even with an army of family around.  Are you making time to exercise those important muscles?  I’m not talking about your quads or some latest fitness fad.  I’m talking about your smile.

On and Off Again?

It is a reality that in our modern age that meeting that special someone may require an internet connection.  So many people  are just too busy to get out there and meet people the old fashion way.  I know a lot are also tired of meeting people in the bar/club setting, and don’t feel you can easily meet someone at the grocery store.  I will agree that meeting someone in a bar is likely to not end well.  Drunk decisions tend to not be the best decisions.  That is why I feel there are a lot of positives and more possibilities to meeting people online.  You are able to get a feel of who they are, their interests and goals faster than meeting once and having intermittent phone conversations and endless text messages that seem to go nowhere.  But what happens when those online relationships never get off the ground?  They go in circles for a variety of reasons, and can sometimes go on for what feels like forever.

I do feel that with keeping that distance between two people, it is a safety net for one or both parties.  There is minimal risk in getting hurt if all you two are doing is trading words typed through a computer for what feels like ages.  I also feel that sitting behind a computer gives some a sense of confidence that they would never have in person.  They would never have the guts to talk to the woman of their dreams or the man of their dreams if they encountered them in a bookstore, grocery or a bar.  They would have missed that chance entirely over their own insecurities and fear.  Who wants to be rejected?  It’s not a nice feeling at all for anyone.

What about the other side of modern dating with this influx of online dating?  The disturbing amount of people who are either married or are already in committed relationships with other people that pretend to be single?  It can be very obvious when you encounter a married man or woman.  They usually aren’t looking to get serious in any way possible.  They want to meet up in areas that are not local to where they live, or where they may run into someone, or they only want to spend time at your place.  The flip side, they will only want you on their time and the “relationship” may not materialize in the real world.  They are always too busy for you, and refuse to make time. These people use all available dating sites, free or paid, trolling for whatever they can find.

Tips to avoid pitfalls:

• Utilize Google Search:  Most people are not crafty Bond villains and use the same screen name for just about everything  – even personal and professional emails.  If you have met someone who you think is the bee’s knees, check them out.  Empower yourself with knowledge so you aren’t just another notch on their belt.
• Is there really chemistry?:  Be mindful of who you are talking with.  If they immediately are demanding you send them endless pictures of yourself, some of which are semi nude, drop them.  It’s disrespectful and they are only after one thing – plus you aren’t the only one they are engaging with in that manner.  Look for that natural flow of conversation, even if you are only talking about something simple.  If you click, let it grow.
• Real Time Dating:  When you first meet someone, you should look to connect in person as soon as possible.  Let’s break this section down first.  If he or she is coming off as a creep, do not bother with them.  If he or she gives you a bad vibe, do not bother with them.  Are you getting the idea?  Use your better judgement.  People give neon sign like clues about who they are.  It is up to you to read them.  Learn to ask them questions about who they are and what they are looking for in the long run.  When I say connect in person as soon as possible it should be in a very public location and it should be very casual.  Why get stuck through an entire dinner with someone you don’t actually like?  Don’t get mixed up with someone who would rather waste your time than work to build a life with you.  You are important and your time is just as important.
• Practice safe sex:  I can not stress this enough!  Condoms are a lot cheaper than raising a child.  Plus, you won’t have to take a pack of condoms to court over child support or custody issues.
• Are you happy?:  It is a simple question.  Does this person make you happy?  Do you look forward to your conversations together or spending time together?  If yes, then great!  I wish you all the best.  If not, start preparing for an exit.  Life is just too short to continue going around and around again.

There is a lot of truth to the saying if someone is serious about you, they will make it known and they will make plans with you in both the long and short term.  This is true for any medium of where you can meet someone.  Remember to take care of yourself before you start losing it to someone else.  Be aware, be empowered and let love find you, not the other way around.

Lent Your Way?

This year is really flying by!  I can’t believe we are already in March and it’s time for Lent.  I am not Catholic in any way but I have always been fascinated by how Catholics and the, “I’m only Catholic on holidays” Catholics celebrate this religious process.  The basic concept is denying yourself something for 40 days in an effort to draw you closer to God.  It’s not Biblical but it is what they believe.  I have yet to meet someone who hasn’t broken Lent within a week or actually avoided eating meat on Friday.  I wanted to take this a step further to see if people can go without something important to them for any time period all in an effort to draw themselves closer to God?  There are so many things we do on a daily basis that are such a habit that we don’t even realize we are doing them.  Humans are ritualistic and forget to function on thought sometimes because it takes too long to break cycles.

What if we challenged ourselves to spend a few days trying something else?  Doing something new or letting go of a vice that may be killing us in an effort to pull closer to God?  And for those who don’t or refuse to believe in God, doing all the same just to find some peace of mind or clarity?  I am not saying to do this for 40 days at a time but start small.  If you smoke, go a full day without cigarettes.  If you are a heavy drinker, cut back to once a week.  If you have a gym membership that you barely use, make an effort to start going once a week.  There are very big and small ways in our lives that we can make changes to find balance.  It all comes down to if we are willing or not.  I have challenged myself to get a lot of the stuff done around the house that needs it before it gets too warm outside.  I like to do yard work in late Winter/early Spring versus trying to hump around all summer in the heat.  I want to fully enjoy Summer this year.  My smaller more personal goal, not just for 40 days, is to spend more time each day with God.  I have found myself doing too much other stuff and then realized it’s just stuff.  I felt empty.

What will you be inspired to do?  Maybe it is time to let go of those old pains, get that big final cry out?  Maybe it is time to try something new – almost anything new!  Cliff diving in Mexico might not be your thing but wearing a dress for the first time in years might be your start.  Going on that first date, deciding to take things to the next level, planning to get married or working toward making your relationship or marriage stronger versus throwing in the towel, or remembering why you have always loved that person no matter what and finally making your lives become one.  It is never too late for any of this.  You are the starting point.

Whether it is for Lent, one week or one day, you should strive to cut away the old bad habits.  That is the only way new and positive habits  will enter your life and stick around.  What will you try today?

How Do You Make It Work ?

With all of our modern distractions, how is it possible to sustain a long term relationship?  This goes for any couple, married or otherwise.

I was in a supermarket recently and saw a young couple doing their shopping together.  They had a grocery cart filled with mutual home item needs, yet the woman seem more interested in the experience than the guy.  While I was grabbing the few items I needed, I noticed  he was quick to start walking away from her, not really giving her an explanation as to why he was walking away.  It was a bit awkward to be honest.  She quickly regained some dignity by telling him she was going to be in another department.  I would venture to say she was a bit hurt by the whole exchange, judging by her body language and tone in her voice.  It made me think about what I usually ask my coupled up friends – how do they make things work in their relationship?  Even in instances as small as grocery shopping together.   I am a firm believer in comparing and contrasting experiences with other people because it is one way to learn more about yourself and your situation.  I’m not saying that you should always compare yourself and your relationships to others because that isn’t healthy.  But hey, if couple X makes special time for adventure instead of the usual go-to Netflix weekends – why not make a consideration?

What does it mean to make time for adventure?  Adventure can be as grand as multiple vacations through out the year or as simple as date nights, dance lessons, wine tasting – whatever makes sense for the two of you.  Of course life and its complications can add reasons to make you say things like, “well, not this month” or “not this year” – that’s another unrealistic roadblock.  If it’s finances that are holding you back, look into where you are spending your money.  Plan a budget at the start of each year, quarter, month and week  – if you aren’t that anal, creating a budget each month helps in planning some fun.  You will be surprised at how much you can save when you maintain an accurate budget.   There are a lot of great local things to try in most areas, especially if you live close to a metropolitan area.  There are various sites that offer ideas and coupons; just be sure to check reviews and leave reviews.    If it’s children that hold you back, work with other families that you trust to swap out babysitting duties.  It is a great low cost (if not free) idea that works for short term.  Try to not take advantage of others’ time.  It’s not right and not fair.

What if your adventure is just making time for each other?  That genuine friendship between two people, the talking, sharing and emotionally giving time?  As much as I love to be out on the town, listening to live music and dancing, I do enjoy the more quiet types of adventure.  Walking along the beach together, quiet dinners for two in dimly lit restaurants – you know, all the super romantic stuff.  I love the intimacy and getting to know more about your partner.  There are things about them that don’t change but there are a lot of things that do change as time goes on and they go through different experiences,  and it is important to keep the dialogue open, constructive and positive.  You fell in love with him or her for a reason and in 60 years, you will want to be able to readily list those reasons as to why you are still together.  Plus it is always good to share those reasons with each other.

Whether you have been together, married, living together – whatever – for 5 minutes or 5 years find out your dynamic and feed it.  Don’t let the, “oh, we can do it next month” create gaps.  Life is too short waiting for tomorrow, next month or next year.  Appreciate the time you have together now, and make the most of every moment.  Technology has caused us to not appreciate spoken word, written language, and palpable emotions in others.  We are forever waiting for that next second impulse or tone from our handheld devices to alert us of how we should feel for that brief moment.  Take the time to turn things off, set the mood and get back to what’s important:  finding what makes things work.

What are some ways you build your relationship that actually works?  What are things that you have tried that ultimately failed?

Forever & Ever, Then Ever Again

I recently heard some people talking about the relationship between Ruth and Boaz and how much of an impact it had on their decision making when it came to picking a partner or waiting for that *right* person to come along.  If you aren’t familiar with the story, Boaz is a well established Israelite of means who met Ruth, a Gentile who was at a low point in her life.  This meeting changed their lives forever.  Boaz was a blessing in Ruth’s life.  I like to think that blessing went both ways for both people.

I was discussing with a good friend of mine how hard relationships can be, whether you are married or not.   We also discussed why it seems that opposites always seem to attract and stick together longer than those who are too much alike.  Like Ruth and Boaz, we may be brought together to be a blessing for someone else because we already have enough in our lives.  I firmly believe that the story of Ruth and Boaz goes beyond the traditional male and female relationship.  I feel that there are people who are like Boaz, male or female alike, and people like Ruth, again both male and female alike. There are times that we will have to hold up our partner through their season so that you two grow closer together.  Sometimes we have to be the leader, teacher, shelter for their suffering or their strength like Boaz was for Ruth.  There are times that we are like Ruth, feeling low and needing that hug or action of love to see us through.  The core importance of the story is to teach us that we may not always understand our partner because they may not be “on our level” or they may have either exposed, hidden or unwarranted insecurities that are plaguing their life and possibly now your relationship and we can be quick to dismiss situations, people and emotions due to ignorance. 

It is important to take a step back and realize that like Ruth who saw Boaz in a field, we have to strip down situations to its simplest form, like the field, to truly see our partner.  Whether you are Ruth in the situation or Boaz, you should be able to be vulnerable to pave the way to a solid future together. 

Have a great day!  :)

Dating Down the Rabbit Hole

I want to first start by saying that there are still some amazing people out there and maintaining a positive, optimistic attitude is more powerful than the alternative.  We live in an age where it is easy to meet new people every second of each day.  It is easy to get connected for free on a lot of platforms without having to spend a dime.  Social media has made it convenient to stay connected with people from around the world, not just those in your area.  This is fantastic to a fault.   I have noticed that this fault is more than simply overlooking the fact that your partner snores when they sleep.  These faults are starting to add up to something more serious that is chipping away at the sanity and emotions of some.

I remember when I was growing up having to race to the phone when it rang in hopes it was that cute person you’ve had your eye on all month or school year.  Especially if you had siblings, you knew of the dreaded panic hearing someone else pick up another phone in the house.  There was no real privacy and even when your parents installed that awesome second line, you still had to share it with everyone else in the house.  Also, there was the great feeling of slamming the phone down on someone who broke your heart.  You knew that was justified as a slap in the face to the offender.  Were these truly better times?  I can see their benefit.  Today, we rely so heavily on text messages, emails and broken phone conversations, that is if you can even get someone on the phone.  There are benefits to this but let’s be honest; is this shortcut way of life really the best way to build and maintain a relationship?

There are many different kinds of people you can meet but there are some personalities that you seem to meet more often than you should and you should avoid:  They are the secretly married, bitterly bitter, overly independent, or leech.  Yes, some of these personalities overlap but for the most part, they are of their own right scary, somewhat dangerous, and can be sniffed out with some good sense and patience.

Secretly Married:  Ah, yes, the, “my partner doesn’t understand me” or “they won’t have enough sex with me” type.  They usually disguise their true intention unless they are in an open marriage.  They also tend to have a type and you are never the only one they are talking to or dealing with.  They start off with a casual approach, but it becomes obvious what is really going on.  With so many free dating platforms and applications, it makes it easy for them to seek out others.  If they are willing to let you go, thank them and move on.  This only ends one way and it is with you utterly heartbroken, gaining 20lbs and being a world champion in eating junk food.  Yeah, brownies are amazing but eating 1 to 5 pans of it isn’t healthy.

Bitterly Bitter:  This type tends to spew some seriously verbal abuse when you tell them you are not interested or are ending your time with them.  They are quick to say how worthless you are or how you will never be anything without them.  I hear situations like this all the time from friends, family and colleagues and have experienced them myself.  We all have been burned in one way or another when it comes to relationships but healing and moving on from the past needs to happen before we move on to a new situation.  Sometimes there are those who seek out new people who resemble a part of their past so they can stay in that part of their life.  It is best to recognize this early on so their toxicity doesn’t become part of who you are.  Misery does indeed love company.  This is usually disguised by those who are obsessed over their ex.  If he or she is not interested in getting to know who you are, they then make assumptions about who you are, and spends more time mentioning the past, notice the red flag and head for the hills.

Overly Independent:  There is absolutely nothing wrong in being independent.  Working hard and getting an education are vital in life but we have to remember to keep in balance that you do in fact need other people.  Even the busiest person needs human affection.  Sometimes we need a hug, handshake or a high five; sometimes we need more than that.  Love is so important in our species and you are not meant to be “forever alone.”  Those who claim they don’t need anyone else are the ones hurting the most.  This type, if you have the patience, will open up once they feel comfortable.  That time may also not come either.   If they are pushing you away or pushing you too hard to configure yourself into something you aren’t, it is best to let them go.  You have enough going on in your life to play therapist in their lives.

Leech:   Aren’t familiar with what a leech does?  Google that sometime.  They are little bloodsuckers that never let go.  Yes, they once had medicinal purposes but if you happen to be walking through a jungle, you aren’t going to consider them to be a good thing.  They hold on and never let go.  You either have to pull very hard or use a lighter to burn them off.  Same rules apply to these kind of people.  They are the ones who send novels for text messages, endless voice-mails wondering where you are or show up at your place of employment unexpectedly.  They show their true colors from the start.  They will latch on from the start and never want to let go.  It usually takes a lot of energy, force and threats of a restraining order to get them out of your life.  There is a healthy amount of inter-dependence in a relationship then there is somewhat stalker behavior if not a true stalker.   Keep an eye out!

It is rough out there in our modern dating world but it is not impossible to find someone.  It is important to remember who you are, what your goals are and if this person you are meeting is truly in line with them.  Do they value true conversation or are they asking for dirty pictures from the start? Do they solely rely on text and email? I always say you can determine their true intentions within 2 weeks.  Watch for signs so you won’t spend years with someone who never intended on getting serious with you from the start.  Do not be afraid to communicate your desires.  If something is important to you, you will find that person who respects that and wants something similar.  I don’t believe in settling for anything but you have to remain optimistic.  Your partner won’t be able to be everything and leap over tall buildings or volunteer saving cute animals on the side.  We are only human after all.

You are amazing just the way you are, never forget that!  I wish you all the success in the world out there!