Dating Down the Rabbit Hole

I want to first start by saying that there are still some amazing people out there and maintaining a positive, optimistic attitude is more powerful than the alternative.  We live in an age where it is easy to meet new people every second of each day.  It is easy to get connected for free on a lot of platforms without having to spend a dime.  Social media has made it convenient to stay connected with people from around the world, not just those in your area.  This is fantastic to a fault.   I have noticed that this fault is more than simply overlooking the fact that your partner snores when they sleep.  These faults are starting to add up to something more serious that is chipping away at the sanity and emotions of some.

I remember when I was growing up having to race to the phone when it rang in hopes it was that cute person you’ve had your eye on all month or school year.  Especially if you had siblings, you knew of the dreaded panic hearing someone else pick up another phone in the house.  There was no real privacy and even when your parents installed that awesome second line, you still had to share it with everyone else in the house.  Also, there was the great feeling of slamming the phone down on someone who broke your heart.  You knew that was justified as a slap in the face to the offender.  Were these truly better times?  I can see their benefit.  Today, we rely so heavily on text messages, emails and broken phone conversations, that is if you can even get someone on the phone.  There are benefits to this but let’s be honest; is this shortcut way of life really the best way to build and maintain a relationship?

There are many different kinds of people you can meet but there are some personalities that you seem to meet more often than you should and you should avoid:  They are the secretly married, bitterly bitter, overly independent, or leech.  Yes, some of these personalities overlap but for the most part, they are of their own right scary, somewhat dangerous, and can be sniffed out with some good sense and patience.

Secretly Married:  Ah, yes, the, “my partner doesn’t understand me” or “they won’t have enough sex with me” type.  They usually disguise their true intention unless they are in an open marriage.  They also tend to have a type and you are never the only one they are talking to or dealing with.  They start off with a casual approach, but it becomes obvious what is really going on.  With so many free dating platforms and applications, it makes it easy for them to seek out others.  If they are willing to let you go, thank them and move on.  This only ends one way and it is with you utterly heartbroken, gaining 20lbs and being a world champion in eating junk food.  Yeah, brownies are amazing but eating 1 to 5 pans of it isn’t healthy.

Bitterly Bitter:  This type tends to spew some seriously verbal abuse when you tell them you are not interested or are ending your time with them.  They are quick to say how worthless you are or how you will never be anything without them.  I hear situations like this all the time from friends, family and colleagues and have experienced them myself.  We all have been burned in one way or another when it comes to relationships but healing and moving on from the past needs to happen before we move on to a new situation.  Sometimes there are those who seek out new people who resemble a part of their past so they can stay in that part of their life.  It is best to recognize this early on so their toxicity doesn’t become part of who you are.  Misery does indeed love company.  This is usually disguised by those who are obsessed over their ex.  If he or she is not interested in getting to know who you are, they then make assumptions about who you are, and spends more time mentioning the past, notice the red flag and head for the hills.

Overly Independent:  There is absolutely nothing wrong in being independent.  Working hard and getting an education are vital in life but we have to remember to keep in balance that you do in fact need other people.  Even the busiest person needs human affection.  Sometimes we need a hug, handshake or a high five; sometimes we need more than that.  Love is so important in our species and you are not meant to be “forever alone.”  Those who claim they don’t need anyone else are the ones hurting the most.  This type, if you have the patience, will open up once they feel comfortable.  That time may also not come either.   If they are pushing you away or pushing you too hard to configure yourself into something you aren’t, it is best to let them go.  You have enough going on in your life to play therapist in their lives.

Leech:   Aren’t familiar with what a leech does?  Google that sometime.  They are little bloodsuckers that never let go.  Yes, they once had medicinal purposes but if you happen to be walking through a jungle, you aren’t going to consider them to be a good thing.  They hold on and never let go.  You either have to pull very hard or use a lighter to burn them off.  Same rules apply to these kind of people.  They are the ones who send novels for text messages, endless voice-mails wondering where you are or show up at your place of employment unexpectedly.  They show their true colors from the start.  They will latch on from the start and never want to let go.  It usually takes a lot of energy, force and threats of a restraining order to get them out of your life.  There is a healthy amount of inter-dependence in a relationship then there is somewhat stalker behavior if not a true stalker.   Keep an eye out!

It is rough out there in our modern dating world but it is not impossible to find someone.  It is important to remember who you are, what your goals are and if this person you are meeting is truly in line with them.  Do they value true conversation or are they asking for dirty pictures from the start? Do they solely rely on text and email? I always say you can determine their true intentions within 2 weeks.  Watch for signs so you won’t spend years with someone who never intended on getting serious with you from the start.  Do not be afraid to communicate your desires.  If something is important to you, you will find that person who respects that and wants something similar.  I don’t believe in settling for anything but you have to remain optimistic.  Your partner won’t be able to be everything and leap over tall buildings or volunteer saving cute animals on the side.  We are only human after all.

You are amazing just the way you are, never forget that!  I wish you all the success in the world out there!

Dear World

    I see you are upset and offended by Target’s choice in name for a color of a dress.  The same store that I obsessively shop in and I’m sure most of you shop in as well.  I want to remind you that the sad reality of the fact that high school never really ends.  You have to find which battles are worth fighting over.  There are still bullies on the playground, and yes, that guy in accounting can be a real dick.  I get it; I experience it and see it for myself every day of my adult life.  The reality is this, you have to stop letting these words hurt.  You are more than a word on a page, no matter how dirty and dark it is.  You are worthy of love, acceptance and happiness.  When the aggressor knows their arrow has stung you, where do you think they are going to strike again?  It’s time to thicken our skin.  

   I’m a plus size woman, and no matter how much I diet and exercise, I will always be in the realm of being plus size.  This label is what I use because I don’t see the dirty in it.  My bones will never shrink my frame down to the size 8 so many women aspire to be.  I’m also tall.  I’m almost 5 ft 8 inches tall.  I’m just me – that’s all I know how to be.  When you learn to love yourself and accept that you are enough for the world, things like being referred to as “fat” will pass over you as casually as someone saying it might rain today.  If you are empowered to get healthy, I commend you on your new life choice and empower you to do it for your own gain, not because someone told you to put down the fork.  Discrimination exists only because we allow it.  Rise above this cloud of stupidity and work on being you in all of your glory.  We need individuals to keep the Earth moving forward, not sheep.  

   If you are deeply offended by this, I want to run and give you the biggest hug!  There are so many people out there who kill themselves over the bullying that goes on, especially when they’re being called “fat” all day at school, work or anywhere.  Please know that you are loved by many people and those who hurt you are hurting the most.  If you feel there is no way out, please talk to someone or talk to me – find an outlet somewhere in your life.  Your life is worth more than their ignorance.  
 

              I love you and you should love you too!

The Value of Beauty ?

We hear this almost every day but what does it really mean in our lives?  What is the standard of beauty that we hold hostage over every girls head?  Reminding them to hate themselves 24 out of 24 hours in a day?  We start young, instilling envy with a recipe found on the cover of every magazine, telling them to be somebody because they simply aren't enough.  Why do some companies have to fight so hard to campaign for real beauty?  I've noticed that it finally took almost 60 years for women to accept being a blond truly isn't more fun nor does it imply stupidity.  They can be a redhead, brunette or have purple, pink or bright green hair and they are still beautiful, with brains to boot.

The lines on your face, the freckles that were sprinkled on your skin through a chef inspired round of DNA or the curves of your skin all encompass beauty and you.  Simply, you.  Nothing more, nothing less, nothing in between - no funny business or mess.  These girls, they are dying, their spirits are missing.  Where are the detectives putting out a APB?  Return these girls their sanity, return them their favor, but for God's sake, return them their individuality!  They are cutting pieces of themselves away, with only scars that reveal a treasure map of depression that is induced by standards that are unrealistic or rejection that is unrealistic.  They are starving or over-feeding the monster that lives in the basement and it's growing over powerful to the point it is shaking and destroying their foundation. 

Soulless eyes, dark hearts with sprouts of bleached ambition on top.  I want you to sing with a heart full of gladness, and a mind full of equations.  Always ready for adventure, and ready to change the world.  Progress into the next dimension while you are at it; never stop until you hit the edge then simply keep going.  Remember that you are beauty intensified, you are a delicious morsel waiting to be devoured by life and its riches.  Form your own path because these old roads are leading nowhere fast to the edge of a cliff and dear, I hope you don't fall off.

I love you and YOU should love you!